joy of salvation!

tonight i have been
listening to music i loved in high school
looking at photos from high school
reading journals from high school

i was so depressed!!! i hated myself so much.
i was kinda MEAN, completely selfish, and sad all the time!
i have to say i had AMAZING friends, and we had SO MUCH FUN!
we laughed our nights away, that is for sure, we were crazy.
but deep down i was so SO .... sad, dark, lonely, depressed.
here is an exert from one of my entries - i was 14 or 15
PLEASE PARDON THE LANGUAGE!!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"errr! why am i so UNLOVEABLE? its not fuckin fair!!!! i want someone too see past my horrifying looks and LOVE ME?? but will that ever in a million years happen? the harsh reality seems to be .... NO.
here are my options
1. Join A Convent
2. Become A Hermit

i think i'll go for the hermit.
geez i'll prolly fuck bein a hermit up too!!!

errrr. "
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hahahah - yah. i was DEAD SERIOUS. wow.
sometime i struggle with wondering - am i wasting the "prime years"
of my life walking this narrow road??
sometimes i wonder if it was the right choice to give it up
to follow this Man i love....
sometimes it seems my old friends have a better life than me..
it appears they have experienced so much more than me...
it seems they just might have what i THINK i want...
n then i take the time to reminisce like this and i see-
GOD DELIVERED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
JESUS SAVED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
RIGHT WHERE I WAS AT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I had been cutting myself from 7th - 11th grade
i wanted to die........... AND THEN HE CAME TO ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
there are no words !!!
HE JUST CAME AND GOT ME OUT OF THAT NASTY TERRIBLE HORRIBLE LIFE OF HATE AND HOPELESSNESS !!!!!! I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING - I DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW WE MET!
He just completely tricked me into LOVING him hahaha, i was literally TRICKED into coming to church for the first time.... and somehow he just kept bringing me back until i saw- saw how he LOVED me so... saw His goodness!!! He was willing to foolishly love meeee
n now i will FOOLISHLY love him!
hahahaha it is so great! WOW WOW WOW!

so ya know from time to time i may think my life is LAME
it looks foolishly lame to other 21 years old yes yes this i know
i dont really have crazy stories of parties n sex n other kind of appealing activities.
hahahah but tell me what is more exciting and amazing than seeing
the tormented delivered, the dead raised, the depressed dance, the blind see,
the sick healed, the poor provided for, the hungry fed, the forgotten loved??
tell me tell me tell me a life better than one where your eyes are not clouded
with shame n depression n self centeredness
but OPENED to see the beauty of GOD all around..
tell me a life better than one where your RAGS have been forever removed
and burned and you are now clothed and DANCING FREELY before the one you love
dressed in his righteousness, purity, innocence! a crown on your head, it is so pretty!
tell me a life better than one FREED from depression, from every chain that tries
to hold the soul down, now able to soar in the joyyy of being so LOVED!
the SEVERITY of His goodness takes my breath away......
i may wonder every now & again --
what the heck am i doing?!?!
but the man i love has not changed, n he always reminds me
how he loves so faithfully
& it is better than
anything!
thank you so so so so so much JESUS !!!!!!!!!!




ps- here is a link to a song i loved in high school & i still love now, i think it's brilliant!

do you like dreaming of things so impossible?