hey loves.

mosey on over to my new blog

carisue.tumblr.com

!!!

here we go...

a totally new chapter of my life is beginning.
the page is turning as i fly home to michigan.
i can't wait to see what's next-
oil of gladness for mourning
the wind of hope blowing.
it's gona be beautiful.

love,
cari

so i know what i want to get for my next tattoo! i have a couple more ideas i want to get but i want to wait a long while in between each one for many reasons. money .. making sure i really want it.. and i don't want to fill up all the places i want to get one all in my 20s i will prolly want to get tattoos with meanings for my husband when i'm married and my kids maybe - who knows. i don't want to be all tatted up in places people can see... i have my foot one and i want one on my wrist but mostly on my side/back i want the rest to be. but the earliest i will get this next one will be my 22nd birthday.

anywayyy i am freshly inspired tonight. good music, long drives, harry potter, just inspired by my seeing my friends live their life. i am inspired just to be me. i know we all have those moments in life where we pause and wonder "why did i let that dream die?" ... and we decide then and there that it must be resurrected. that is how i feel tonight.

i also feel just like i cant handle another moment of being something i am not in front of people. today while i was driving to church i heard the Lord say "you cannot define yourself" simple as that. i'll be honest i wasn't even talking to God, or listening to worship music or anything he just said it straight outta the blue. and honestly i was just thinking about something that happened to me a couple months ago...

(if you havent noticed i have been using this blog as a place to ramble now... sorry about this... i guess i am just mostly writing for me to one day look back on not for anybody else who might come across and read this..)

okay anyway a few months ago i was sitting in a church here in lakeland on a sunday morning... a lesbian couple came in and sat right in front of me. they were very openly gay - one dressed as a guy one as a girl, affectionate with each other. not inappropriately affectionate or anything... and they were in fancy clothes too "sunday best..." well they stood in there for worship just kind of observing... and i'm not sure when exactly but before the message had barely started they were outta there. i didn't think much of it but today i was thinking about it. why did they leave? what did they see or hear or feel that made them leave? ... i guess i was thinking this because today i walked out of church early. actually that same day the above couple left early, i did too. i have been leaving church early a lot this semester, just straight up walking out because i don't want to be there. maybe this is wrong but in a way i have learned a LOT from this experience of visiting a lot of churches.

okay well this is gona conclude my late night rambles for now. i'm supposed to go to the beach tomorrow but i cannot find my credit card sooo looks like i'lll be laying out in my backyard, hoping i find my card and can go on wednesday or something.

i dunno why but i feel like i need to spend a day in the sea before leaving the warm weather for 3 weeks.

okay well i decided a great idea for 2010 blogging so get excited. until then my blog is going to suck and not make much sense.

found this old journal entry from May of 2008 & wanted to share cause i have been meditating on psalm 40 all this week and i was reading it when i wrote this past entry too.

im here running the naproom at the preschool--
it can be quite stressful because.. kids do not want to take naps!
but they really need to! or else the rest of the day will be pure crabby chaos.
so amid the stress & feeling like a mean teacher making em lay down n still
(id rather just play ya kno!) i decide to open up to psalms n let the TRUTH
flood over me... and here is what i found...

"blessed is the man who makes the Lord his trust,
who does not turn to the proud
to those who go astray after a lie!
you have multiplied, O Lord my God,
your wondrous deeds and your thoughts toward us;
none can compare with you!
I will proclaim and tell of them,
yet they are more than can be told"
-psalm 40:4-5

..i found verse 4 stunning. trusting the Lord ... the one worthy of trust.. our Rock.. and not our pride or the pride of men. really trusting in anything except the Lord is prideful... and it says prideful men have gone astray after a lie. PRIDE IS A LIE. wow. boom! there is like an explosion within me as that truth resounds in my soul. anything we do for the acceptance of men-- or anything we do so we can somehow internally accept who we are ourselves-- its a lie!! we have complete acceptance from the TRUE God-- the God who knows the depths of our being is truly in love with us and ravished by us. so... do i need anyone else to tell me who I am?!? no! None can compare to him! I want to keep that in mind as I go about my day... that none can compare to him... no compliment from man compares to serving Him... a good reputation does not compare to living for Him alone... and I cannot keep silent about my Jesus when I read that even if I proclaim and tell of His glory-- He is so wonderful there is more to say than can ever be said!!! i could talk endlessly about the goodness of God and it would only cover a freckle of his sweet mercy & love!!!! well... i just know i want to proclaim it as much as possible. cause He's worthy!

love cari



soooo i 2010 is coming. i know aroundt his time of year everyone has new years resolutions and what not... maybe it is just the time of year, but my heart is stirring like something big is going to occur. maybe not even externally, internally but manifested outwardly--- if that makes sense. i am thinking about starting a new blog for the new year or maybe just making some changes to this one. i think i will be blogging a lot more and in a different way in the new year. we'lls ee. okay tahts all.

can i just say that this has to be one of the best lyrics of all time hahah it's hilarious -

"for so long i thought i was asylum bound
but just seeing you makes me think twice..."

if a boy said that to me i would think he is soooooo crazy
i would say aaaah - yeah no you probably are, asylum bound, so yea... see ya later.

anyway - still love that song - with a passion.

joy of salvation!

tonight i have been
listening to music i loved in high school
looking at photos from high school
reading journals from high school

i was so depressed!!! i hated myself so much.
i was kinda MEAN, completely selfish, and sad all the time!
i have to say i had AMAZING friends, and we had SO MUCH FUN!
we laughed our nights away, that is for sure, we were crazy.
but deep down i was so SO .... sad, dark, lonely, depressed.
here is an exert from one of my entries - i was 14 or 15
PLEASE PARDON THE LANGUAGE!!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"errr! why am i so UNLOVEABLE? its not fuckin fair!!!! i want someone too see past my horrifying looks and LOVE ME?? but will that ever in a million years happen? the harsh reality seems to be .... NO.
here are my options
1. Join A Convent
2. Become A Hermit

i think i'll go for the hermit.
geez i'll prolly fuck bein a hermit up too!!!

errrr. "
----------------------------------------------------------
hahahah - yah. i was DEAD SERIOUS. wow.
sometime i struggle with wondering - am i wasting the "prime years"
of my life walking this narrow road??
sometimes i wonder if it was the right choice to give it up
to follow this Man i love....
sometimes it seems my old friends have a better life than me..
it appears they have experienced so much more than me...
it seems they just might have what i THINK i want...
n then i take the time to reminisce like this and i see-
GOD DELIVERED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
JESUS SAVED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
RIGHT WHERE I WAS AT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I had been cutting myself from 7th - 11th grade
i wanted to die........... AND THEN HE CAME TO ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
there are no words !!!
HE JUST CAME AND GOT ME OUT OF THAT NASTY TERRIBLE HORRIBLE LIFE OF HATE AND HOPELESSNESS !!!!!! I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING - I DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW WE MET!
He just completely tricked me into LOVING him hahaha, i was literally TRICKED into coming to church for the first time.... and somehow he just kept bringing me back until i saw- saw how he LOVED me so... saw His goodness!!! He was willing to foolishly love meeee
n now i will FOOLISHLY love him!
hahahaha it is so great! WOW WOW WOW!

so ya know from time to time i may think my life is LAME
it looks foolishly lame to other 21 years old yes yes this i know
i dont really have crazy stories of parties n sex n other kind of appealing activities.
hahahah but tell me what is more exciting and amazing than seeing
the tormented delivered, the dead raised, the depressed dance, the blind see,
the sick healed, the poor provided for, the hungry fed, the forgotten loved??
tell me tell me tell me a life better than one where your eyes are not clouded
with shame n depression n self centeredness
but OPENED to see the beauty of GOD all around..
tell me a life better than one where your RAGS have been forever removed
and burned and you are now clothed and DANCING FREELY before the one you love
dressed in his righteousness, purity, innocence! a crown on your head, it is so pretty!
tell me a life better than one FREED from depression, from every chain that tries
to hold the soul down, now able to soar in the joyyy of being so LOVED!
the SEVERITY of His goodness takes my breath away......
i may wonder every now & again --
what the heck am i doing?!?!
but the man i love has not changed, n he always reminds me
how he loves so faithfully
& it is better than
anything!
thank you so so so so so much JESUS !!!!!!!!!!




ps- here is a link to a song i loved in high school & i still love now, i think it's brilliant!

do you like dreaming of things so impossible?

hee hee hee hooo hooo ha ha ha

ummmmm God is really good!
i think i finally found my home church down here yahooooo. i am really happy considering i still have a 3 semesters left livin down here probably! it is 1 hr 15 mins away but i enjoy the drive past disney world - thru downtown orlando - it is a nice drive :) i am going to go back next sunday and we'll see! the funniest thing about this is that 2 years ago i was straight up making fun of this church and its pastor (altho i had never been there or heard him speak), i was critisizing it harshly, mocking it, you name it. i thought this church was the epitome of what i did not like about church. i actually really didnt like the fact that MDCC was somewhat connected to this church. of course i judged that all by a friend showing me the website and telling me a bunch of what he thought about the church ......... isn't it crazy how easily we attach ourselves to the opinions of our friends?!?! and then i go for myself and it was soooo amazing - the presence of God was THERE - wow SO good ... it was beautiful there. really beautiful. so many age groups, people groups, i loved it so much! it was free - everyone dancin together. i loved the heart of the church (from what i heard tonight) and it sounded really awesome all that God was doing there. anyway i was there - experiencing God - and just repenting for my actions a few years back, cant believe i did that. hahahah but God is hilarious of course and brought me to maybe be a part of tbe church family there!!! exciting !!!!!!!! okay well i could write a NOVEL about what God did in my heart tonight WOWEEEE but i think i'm going to save the rest for my paper journal. talk to yall soon and hopefully ssee ya soon in MICHIGAN! love yall xoxox